Elvis, Anyone? - Issue #1
by Ice Princess Deluxe

The X-Men are real and I can prove it to you. I・e observed and noted many, if not all, the funny coincidences that happen in this little town I live in. It・ strange that there are so many different sightings in one little place, but I・e got a theory on that. Whenever Marvel isn・ using our beloved characters, they have vacation time. They go into our universe and mingle with us True Believers, testing out who can point them out or not.

Hello and welcome to my brand new monthly column I like to call ・lvis, anyone?・The main gist of this is going to be on sightings. No, not Elvis sightings, you can go to Vegas to see plenty of those. I・ talking sightings in the key of X.

Now you might be scratching your head and going ・uh?・around now, but I plan on making this clear. You all know of somebody who looks or acts just like an X-Character. The guy down the street with the muttonchops, the mallrat who got caught rollerblading in the mall, you name it. Speaking of malls, the small city that I come from has one mall; not that many shops inside, and half of the stores keep on changing hands so many times that people are surprised to know that they actually had moved and new ones had taken their place. I think the biggest talk ever was when Victoria・ Secret was supposed to move in. People talked for days about that, then talked for more days complaining when the deal fell through. In this little mall is a little book store that I happen to work at and I・e found out that this is the main hub for the majority of X-Character look-alike sightings.

Besides the mall, there are scores of other places that I・e witnessed Marvelesque behavior. The community college I attend, the two comic shops I frequent, and several of the twenty-four hour restaurants that I・e been to are breeding grounds for such activity. Even the local Wal-Mart has a few promising characters inside their doors, if you really start looking.

But that・ beside the point. This article is not about the ones I・e had to hunt out for, scrutinizing each individual and going ・a! She looks like so and so! I just know it!・No, this column is about the ones that come straight at you with no warning. They just walk on by and you feel like pointing your finger and going ・urt! You・e Kurt!・

Why am I doing this? Well, to be honest, I・e run out of people to tell all these neat occurrences to. My best friend already knows about the Scott and Jean that come into the book store every Thursday like clockwork and about the Hank McCoy in the college library. And nobody really wants to believe me when I・e said I・e seen a Ptior Rasputin in the art studio. Of course everybody is waiting for the day that I tell them I・e found a Remy look-alike, but then again, I won・ tell anybody that. If I find one, I・ gonna be the first to snag him, by golly.

So sit back, relax, and suspend disbelief for a short while. It should be easy, we do read Marvel titles, do we not? I sincerely hope that you enjoy my writing, and I want to request something. If you yourself has had an X sighting, please, let me know. My email is [email protected] . Hope to hear from you soon with any questions, comments, observations, or the like.

And now that you・e read my little introductory love note, here・ one of the sightings that happened just last Sunday.

It was a regular Sunday morning in the sleepy little town I live in. I・ been called to work at ten in the morning, which a rather uncivilized hour to actually be awake and alert for me. I・ rather my Sundays start somewhere after one in the afternoon. Anyway, I spent the whole two hours before the store opened straightening out last night・ mess. It seems to me that after the lights go off and all the humans go home the books decide that they want to jump off the shelves, mingle in with all the other books and cause mass confusion for the person opening up the following day. That・ the only way I can explain how the Sex for Dummies got shoved in the same shelf with Bob the Builder and the newest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue magazine got shoved in with the Wolverine graphic novels. That Wolvie, he・ gotta be flirting with the girls all the time.

The main section I had to concentrate cleaning and straightening and organizing was the Children・ Section. Ah, the dreaded Children・ Section, note the use of capital letters. It・ the one place that the manager sticks all the new recruits with, just to see if they can make it or if they want to quit while they・e ahead and run out of the store screaming for their sanity. It looks like I must have passed whatever test my manager had in her head and she decided to keep me on. That little tiny corner of the book store is always in a mess, no matter how many times a day you might clean it. So last Sunday I rolled up my sleeves, took a deep breath, and attacked the misplaced Barney, Blue・ Clues, Franklin, and whatnot books with gusto. It was time to actually open the doors at noon when I leaned back and admired my handiwork. The Section looked so pretty and organized it practically gleamed. It stayed that way for exactly five point seven minutes.

That was when at 12:05:07 pm (Central Time) the X-Babies came in and all hell broke loose. Oh, you might be laughing at my use of words, going ・ut those lil・tykes are so cute!・Yeah, they are, but looks can be deceiving. Those little cherub faced kiddos could be heard screaming for joy from outside in the mall proper. By the sound of it, the toy store next door to the book store had just gotten attacked. My co-worker was behind the counter when the whirlwind stormed through the front gates, disrupting the newly put out magazines and the nicely arranged bargain bin stacks. The poor Easter display of children・ books inside their pretty Spring chick and bunny plush baskets never stood a chance right there at the door. My co-worker was lucky. I, on the other hand, was not. I was up high on one of the library-like ladders changing a light bulb that had burned out near the Sci-Fi section. All of a sudden, I feel a little bump and the ladder moves a little. Then there・ a wail that could pierce eardrums. I look down, conscious of the long skirt I・ wearing and see the most adorable little girl sitting on the floor in tears. You・e seen the X-Baby version of Rogue, right? With the little pigtails and freckles? Well, this girl has it down right to the little green balls on the ponytail holders. We・l call her Sugah for now. I try to get down the ladder, but all the other little ones have decided to come and investigate as to why Sugah is now crying. Immediately, a little boy who in my opinion is the cutest one in the whole bunch, kneels down and comforts her. He・ a little older than the rest and he・ got on faded jeans that are worn at the knees and since it is a little nippy outside, a brown coat. We・l call him Gumbo, after the little Remy clone. One of them, a short lil・ guy with what looks like bushy black hair (I can・ tell, he has a baseball cap on, but some of it is sticking out of the bill of the cap), decides to leer at me and loudly proclaim:

・hat lady has on red panties!・ By now my face has gotten just as red as the mentioned undergarment. Instantly he is dubbed Wolvie.

・hat wasthn・ nice!・Another older boy states, trying to clear the way so I can get down from my perch and regain some of my twenty year old dignity. Mind you, if he wasn・ so darn short, lil・Wolvie wouldn・ have seen anything. My skirt does reach my ankles. I make a mental note to thank the little Cyke. I just can・ get over his lisp, it・ just adorable on him. He・ just too cute with his little button down shirt and nice jeans with his brown hair combed neatly and one little cowlick sticking up on the side. Out of the whole bunch, he・ the neatest looking one. ・an you sthow usth the kid・ sthuff, lady?・he asks, then looks like he・ thinking about something and adds ・lease?・I smile at him, out of them all, he・ got the most potential for not being a little heathen. Then I point and say ・ure, the children・ section is right over隙 I never get finished because they all shout out a hooray and stampede on over to the back before I could. I wince as I see books start flying and decide to hightail it to the front and cower behind the counter.

By twelve thirty, the store is starting to fill up with a few people. Many just want to look and browse the magazine rack, but others filter in and purchase a few things. For a Sunday afternoon, it・ relatively quiet. Then the kiddos still in the Section find the interactive books with the musical buttons.

・i, I・ Barney! Won・ you play with me?・

・T phone home!・

・oinks Scooby!・Then the eardrum piercing whistle of Thomas the Train・ choo-choo followed by the happy laughter of children comes through the chaos. My co-worker and I both look at the other when we start hearing shouting and draw straws to decide which of us gets to settle them down. I look smug as I stand and wait on a customer as my co-worker gives me a dark look and heads to the back. It・ quiet after a while, but she comes back looking pale. I ask her what happened and she just shakes her head.

・ou don・ want to go back there,・ she says. Of course, curiosity killed the cat and I poke my head around the New Age section and my jaw drops to the ground.

Books. That・ all you see on the floor. Books and little plush toy dolls of Junie B. Jones and Amber Brown are littered all over the floor. Board books are scattered from their wire rack on the shelf, Curious George is just about to fall from the top shelf and onto Sugah・ head. Gumbo has found the Klutz books and is methodically pulling out the card games from their nice plastic home where they should be. Cyke has found the Star Wars books and starts pulling out random books, reading a few and then sticking them in a neat little pile on the floor beside him. Wolvie found an issue of the Swimsuit Issue I somehow overlooked and is now looking at the centerfold bikini clad woman with curiosity. He scowls at me when I snatch it from his grasp and then forgets about it, moving his attention towards the musical books again. The Powerpuff Girls declare who they are and the repeated sounds of ・ojo Jojo・are heard. I・e realized that I・ developing a migraine. Just then, my savior comes to rescue me. She・ tall, blonde, and looks like she・ a teacher or something for whatever babysitting organization she belongs to. Just then, she reminds me a little of Alison Blaire, otherwise called Dazzler, keeper of the X-Babies.

・kay sweethearts, are you ready?・ she calls out in a sing-song voice. All four of them look up from whatever mess they・e into now and cheer their hoorays again, abandoning their chaos and running towards her. She asks if they have picked out anything they want to buy yet and Cyke instantly nods, running back to collect his stack of books, Sugah goes and grabs a plush doll, Gumbo shrugs his shoulders, and Wolvie grabs that darn Thomas the Train musical book, pushing the whistle button repeatedly. They make it up to the front where I check them out.

・iss? Where are my books?・

・ want my book!・

・ant my doll!・

・an I get a comic book?・

・here are my books Miss?・

・ook! Candy!・They attack the little Easter themed chocolate in the shape of carrots and look up at their keeper. She nods and they stuff the fifty cent each piece in their mouths, succeeding in getting the bottom part of the counter sticky from candy covered hands. Their keeper pays for their purchases, then hands Cyke his bag of books, Sugah her bag containing the doll, Gumbo his bag with his comic book, and Wolvie his bag with the noisy book. They・e happy to be carrying their own things, but it soon wears off. I have to bag up everything in another bigger bag so Dazzler can carry it on one arm. They run out, cheering and screaming like the little heathens that they are and the store is suddenly filled with the beautiful sound of silence. Some of the patrons shake their head good naturedly, my co-worker is regaining some of her color, and the pounding headache between my eyes starts to let up a little.

・ou・e got some mess to pick up,・she comments. I look at her.

・o what?・

・on・ you know? This week your section is Children・.・Great. Why can・ I get the easy sections to look after, like Art or Social Sciences? I head slowly to the back of the store and almost want to bust out in tears at the mess.

I・e decided not to have children.

Until next time!

ice princess deluxe