Being Strong

by Jozzy

Disclaimer: I don't own anything please don't sue me. I'm not making money off this.

I don't know when it happened exactly. That point were I crossed that line from a child to a woman. Sometime ago I looked up and was surprised. With the way I thought, what I thought. I was different than I remembered myself being. Though I don't know when I became an adult I do know why. Heartbreak. That sounds like such a lame reason. But you don't understand love the way I do. Maybe my way is screwed but its how I think.

You see when I was young, love was obedience. You loved your parents by following directions with out speaking out. I wasn't that Kind of girl and so I was constantly asked why I didn't love my parents. My mother was especially good at the guilt tripping. I wonder how many times I cried because of her.

Then my parents died and I lived on the streets. Where love was could get you killed, or pregnant, or a hundred other things. Once again love was mostly a one sided coin. I could love someone but they didn't love me back. With the exception of one phenominal friend. Who I think loved me, I know that I loved her.

Then I met someone who changed my perceptions all over again. At first I thought that subsurvience and worship would make him feel as strong as I thought I felt. It didn't work. So I became his partner, someone he could trust. That was affective but not in the way I wanted. He loved me I think but not the way I loved him.

Then he was gone, off with another. And I was once again thrust into new circumstance. Where love was the ability to forgive. To the point of being a rug, and everyone walked on me. I always forgave or I forgot. Not that forgivness is wrong, but like all things too much is bad.

Shortly after, IT happened. And love was the courage to die for someone else. I'd like to think that if I hadn't gotten away that I would be strong enough to keep quite. I did all the time that I was THERE and I still have kept quite. About the things that happened, about how I feel, about how I don't feel.

I can't keep it out of my mind at night. Dreams that are more like nightmares plague me and I want to scream. I thought about giving up, but I once promised to be strong for HIM. And I will, I will be a rock. So that if he finally sees me he'll know my love instantly. I'm just afraid that if he doesn't see me soon, all that will be left is this unfeeling shell.