Pain can do a lot of things. It can hurt. It can scar. Or in my case, it can make you reminisce. Specially 'bout things you'd never want to think about again.
Yesterday, I was out in the garage helping Wolvie with his scoot. All of Generation X was visiting, and I wanted to spend time with the Wolvster. We really needed to catch up, lotsa things I haven't told him, most I never will. But still, for once I'd like to hear what's been going on with him. He wasn't talking much though, till he asked me for the wrench. I gave it to him, he tweaked something, then handed it back.
My hands aren't all they used to be, only time they are is when I'm angry, and even then I can't always count on them. The wrench slipped, and it cut me. It didn't look too bad at first. Just nicked a little skin, didn't even yelp when it happened.
I just kept watching him work, but soon his sniffer was going and he looked at my hand.
"Yer bleeding there Jubes." I looked at my hand and there was a small trickle of red dripping slowly down my hand, right at the skin between my fore finger and thumb.
"Yeah, guess I am." Wolvie gave me this puzzled look and took one of the clean rags and tied it around my hand.
"Don't it hurt?" I had to really force myself from laughing. I shook my head no. He arched his brow, that could have been bad, but he just went back to working. Have to love the Wolvster for never asking the worst questions. One being why.
Guess I should say why now though huh? Well, it all started a couple of months ago. Ev died, I couldn't believe it. A month passed and I just kept thinking that we're the X types and he'll come back, he didn't. That was the first thing that really hit me. I've had a lot of sadness in my life but I've just kinda brushed it off. I found out then it didn't leave, just sort of sat in the corner waiting to attack. Boy did it attack.
At first I was in denial, nothing like this could happen to me, I'm the firecracker. Stuff like this doesn't care. I kept acting like everything was okay of course. But secretly I was wary of everyone around me, like they would leave or stab me in the back at any second. That's what always happens to me. I couldn't tell anyone because again I'm the sparkler and I have to be the strongest.
Various things followed, crying spells, sad music, and mediocre poetry. Same lines over and over again, everyone hates me, I'm in the way, and I don't want to be here anymore. That was the kicker though, the thought that I didn't want to be here anymore, then the one about how I had now where to go. I could go to Wolvie, but the dude had too much on his mind already, no need for a soggy teenager. Friends? I didn't feel like I could trust them. Teachers, it's a tie between not trusting and them not feeling close enough. X-men? No, same as Wolvie, they already had too much on their plates, not to mention they all have their own lives.
All the people in my life, and I couldn't talk to any of them. It wasn't good and I couldn't take it anymore. So I tried talking to a couple of people in school. I'd start up the subject of being sad, they'd tell me all their problems and run. It's not like I don't get ignored enough, but I needed help with this, and no one listens to me anyway. That did NOT help any. But I kept up the act, every time I did it, it made me feel worse.
There was a breaking point. It was late one night, a Friday I think, around midnight. I was listening to some damn sad music, and I got the STUPIDEST idea I've EVER had in my head. Something on the inside hurt so much, like it was being ripped apart really slowly, and what ever it was had too many nerves for it's own good. I thought, if my insides hurt, and I focus the pain on the out side, it won't hurt. So I grabbed a safety pin, they really shouldn't call them that, and lightly started scratching the underside of my wrist. But it didn't work, so I tried harder, and harder, till I drew blood.
So I'm sitting up in my dorm room, angsty music playing softly in the back round, and I'm laughing. It had worked, or at least that's what I thought at the time. It would bother me, stinging feeling, but it gave me something else to think about. I didn't want to die, yet, I just wanted something else to think about. I wore a lot of bracelets, and alternated wrists so at least one hurt all the time. The cuts got deeper and I used different things to cut with. This kept up for about a month, but then something happened.
I had been late in the morning, like that didn't happen enough, but yeah so I forgot to put my bracelets on. Was that a shocker in first hour, but I was very careful the whole school day. Until after school.
Jono and I were sitting on the grass enjoying the spring weather, when I stretched. He saw my wrists and immediately got that disappointed look in his eyes.
<*Gel, wot's that on yer wrists?*> I looked at my wrists and then looked at him. He knew, I know he knew. But I put my hands in my lap, wrists down, and responded with the only thing that came to mind.
"Nothin'." If it were about anything else both Jono and I would have laughed, but we didn't, instead he took my hands and turned them up.
<*This is stupid gel, yer too smart for that. I've known too many that 'ave done this.*> He got up and walked away. I never did it again after that, and Jono and I never talked about it again. 'Cept for this one time, I asked him if anyone else had known, he said a couple people knew. Right then and there I knew I could always trust Jono. The others knew, and no one else told me to stop.
I got angry after that. Spent waaaaay too much time in the Grotto. I was snippy at everyone except for Jono, I was sugar to him. Made everyone think I had a crush on him or something, even got Paige to tell me to back off. I took it out on her the next training session.
I had every right to be depressed, surprised it took this long though. Parents dying, being tossed from foster home to foster home, orphanages, what happened in all those places that I don't think I'll ever tell anyone. Illyana dying, Jean and Scott dying too many times to count, Wolvie leaving me all the time, Bastion and again things I'll never talk about with anyone, then Ev. He got me worst of all, he didn't deserve it.
Jono wasn't the one who 'saved' me though. I saved me. I took all of my emotional garbage and threw it out the window. That was the whole anger phase, me putting my shit back where it came from, the people who dished it out.
Best thing I got out of this? All that time in the Danger Grotto. I found out some things I never knew. Frosty wasn't wrong when she said I had latent psy ability, but after that it wasn't latent anymore. There is one thing no one guessed though. I learned how to fly. I had known for a long time that I never used all my power. I was afraid, but that left with the sadness. I can actually fly one of two ways, I can heat up the air molecules around me or I can blast myself up with my paffs. I use the heat thing more cause the other just takes too much energy.
I haven't told anyone this yet, don't think
I will till I need to. Always keep the people you don't trust but have
to work with on a need to know basis. To think, that I remember all this
just from a little cut. I know one thing though, if we battle anytime
soon, I'm letting my news out ASAP, there is no way in hell I'm going
to remember this every time I get a scratch.