It hurts...God it hurts. It hasn't stopped since that day, a time that has been etched in my mind, heart, and soul ever since. It didn't seem like a big deal at the moment, I had been kidnapped. No biggie, happen's all the time. As usual it was someone after Wolvie, they were using me as bait. Unfortunatly they tried a few experiments on me too.

The pain was excrutiating at the time, now it seems like it was nothing. Nothing compared to what I feel now. They hadn't bothered to sedidate me, shouldn't waste good medicine on a mutie freak, were their words. They put a lot of chemicals into my blood stream, and a lot of blood samples. I think they were trying to change the number of my chromosomes, make me not human.

To them I already wasn't...

Then he showed up to save me, as usual, my wonderful Wolverine. The man I trusted, loved, and cared about most. Those thing's are what I hold on to most these days. The trust and love. He killed off everyone around me and took my barely breathing body out of that hell hole.

When I awoke four day's later he was there beside me. He smiled gently, his eyes were wet from tears. "How ya doin kid?", he asked hoarsly. I smiled back at him, I didn't need to be a telepath to know what he was thinking. "It's not your fault", I whispered. His eyes brightened as he still saw the trust in my eyes.

For a few moment's everything was okay again, then I felt the intense burning inside my body. It hurt, it was a strange feeling. I didn't say anything though, I let him hold me and tell me how sorry he was. I didn't want him to feel worse.

Day's past, and the pain only went away for brief periods. I felt myself becoming drained, but I made sure I stayed strong. It didn't take a genius to know that the experiment had worked in some screwed up way. I knew I was dying pretty much from day one.

Still there was no sense in letting the other's know. No sense in making them feel guilty, maybe I would get killed in combat.

Dying used to make me cower away in fear, the thought would send chills through me. Not dying like in battle, but from a disease. Like Illyana, slowly and painfully. I had cried against Wolverine after she had died. He'd been there for me, he alway's had. My partner.

Now I'm not really afraid anymore, the pain has pushed it away. I know it's inevitable. I know it's coming, and I know I should be afraid. I should be hiding, desperatly hoping for a cure...but I'm not. In some way's death is a salvation for me.

Seeing my parents, friends that I lost on the street's, 'Yana...and so many others. Death has been a major part of my life, now it is my life. I have to use all my strength to keep up this masquerade.

Being sent back to Gen X helped, here it's not as hard to hide. They never want to see me for what I really am. All they see is a little, immature, sometimes bossy kid who's main purpose in life is to annoy them. That's how many of the X-Men see me too.

But that's not who I am... I have feeling's, emotion's, desires...dream's just as much as they do. I just don't show them.

They don't even mention my grades. Do they think I'm stupid or something. I was a straight A student before my parent's died. All I needed was a little encouragement, a little help. I'd missed 3 years of school before I came to live with the X-Men!

Do they think that never making an A makes you unintellegent, they never offer support. They all think I'm this irresponsible little girl there to be a thorn in their side, and occasionally crack a funny joke for their entertainment. I'm human, I hurt to you know. They never think of that, they only look at the surface.

I love them still, I love them all.

Emma, she changed because she lost her first student's, the Hellion's. She wanted all mutant kids to have a better future. Forgetting everything she ever did, putting her pride aside, she stepped forward to join the people who were once her worst enemies.

Sean, not much to say for him. Even with Black Tom as a brother he stayed on the right side. He admits mistakes, and uses them to make a brighter future. He tries to be there for us all.

Angelo, maybe he see's past some of my exterior, maybe he doesn't. Sometime I think maybe I could have liked him. We would have been a disasterous couple.

Jono, man did that dude have some depressing trouble, but I admire his strength.

Paige, she really did resemble sunshine. Alway's there to help, if she realized you were hurting. When she gains experience and start's to not only think on stradegy but with instinct and heart she'll be the leader she alway's wanted to be.

Everett, a real friend. I did, briefly, have a crush on him. Till I realized that he could never return the feeling's, we're to different. I settled for best buds.

Finally there's Monet, man can this girl get on your nerves. I guess I mainly tried ot make life hard for her was because I saw where it was leading. I was just like her before my parent's died, a snob. I had everything I wanted, one day 'Princess Monet' is going to come to a big realization that life is going to destroy her if she continues this way. No one will ever trust her, she need's to know that even she need's to be vulnerable every once in awhile.

Not many people see it, but their is a big difference between the X-Men and Generation X in my eyes. The X-Men are my family, Generation X is my team and are my friend's. Jean, the motherly type. Rogue, the sisterly type. Scott, God Forbid the fatherly type. Proffesor X, somewhat Grandfather. Remy, the brother. Then there is Logan.

My heart, even now, stop's when I think of him. I love them all, but when you look to the deepest part's of my soul he is everything. I would do anything for him, he is my life. Or what's left of it. It started as a fatherly relationship, he made up for what I had lost. Then he was a brother, alway's there to pick me up. Then a bestfriend and partner, someone to watch my back, and someone for me to watch out for.

Now...it's hard to comprehende. Soulmate would come closest to describing it. Not only love, but much more. I don't know if he feel's the same way, I didn't even realize it until I realized I was dying. I think our relationship, if we had one, would be much like Scott's and Jean's. I know we have a link.

I will always love him...

The end's coming, I can feel it. I want to tell someone, I just want them to know, but I won't. For there is no sense, after all everyone has to die. Why later when it can be now. Goodbye's aren't easy, ecspecially when there is no one to listen, but they must be said anyway.

Goodbye Emma and Sean...
Goodbye Gen X...
Goodbye Proffesor...
Goodbye X-Men...
Goodbye Logan...
Goodbye

My last piece of advice...what else can I say, But live life to the fullest, otherwise it's going to pass you buy. Speaking from experience...