A Disaster of a Different Kind

by WolvieGal

the characters aren't mine so neither are the lawsuits

One non-fan's reaction to the X-Men movie & the lasting effect it has on her life Thanks to Cassie for the powdered sugar

"Hey! Let's go to the movies." My friends said to me. I was way bored so I said okay. I didn't ask what was playing until we got there. When my three guy friends told me what they wanted to see I had like only one thing to say: "What! You brought me down here to see some dumb comic book movie! You've got to be kidding me!" Well they finally talked me into watching X-Men by offering to pay for my ticket if I didn't like it. *Well, if they are gonna be that dumb I am gonna go with it. There's no way I am gonna like this movie. Besides, I can buy some new lipstick with the money I get back from them.*

The first 10 or 15 minutes didn't make sense at all. First we're on a fluorescent roller coaster. Then the scene kept bouncing around, different places all over the world, different time frames, different characters every scene, no dialogue, just screaming. I just didn't get it. But the next part was a typical bar scene. At least I understood that. But what caught my attention was the shirtless guy in the cage. *What a hottie. At least now I have something interesting to watch.* I didn't really start following the plot until the tough hottie with the rad hair-do woke up in the middle of the night and stabbed the sweet southern girl with like knives stuck in his fist. I gasped out loud and I heard my friends chuckle at me. I ignored them. I was like a little ticked. I kinda liked that girl; and I really like that guy. He was tough and that was cool, but I wasn't sure I like the idea of him being like a cold blooded killer. But then the girl like reached out and tried to kill him! She like zapped him or something, but then she was fine and he was having like seizures. *Man this is weird.* By the end of the movie the girl had a crush on the hottie with the hair and knives-who lived through whatever she did to him-and he came to save her from this old guy who kidnapped her. But she was dead when he got there, so he made her dead body like zap him again, and she woke up and he died. I didn't understand it but I cried anyway. Then this redheaded woman brought him back to life and he left. He gave his necklace to the southern girl and said he'd come back for it. *Man! Do I wanna be the one wearing that necklace when he comes looking for it.*

So after crying at the end of the movie, there was like no chance I was gonna get my money back, but for some reason I didn't mind. And I had like a ton of questions about the hottie with the hair and knives. My friends started explaining things to me all at once, like they're claws not knives, and that he healed himself because he's a mutant, but not the monster kind like in the movies or in the X-Files. I didn't understand most of it, and there was a lot. But before I went home that afternoon I found a comic book store and took home some more stuff about the hottie. Normally I would've thought that the guy who worked at the comic book store was cute, I mean he was pretty charming when he helped me out, but I only had one man on my mind at the time.

When I got home I went straight to my room, laid out on my bed and tore into my comic books. Again I didn't really understand why the hottie with the hair and claws was so mad at the loudmouth kitty man. I mean he was rude, but there had to be something I was missing. And I like hardly recognized the sweet southern girl from the movie. She was all grown up and had almost nothing to do with the hottie. *What is that all about?* Instead there were these two other girls he was always with, only one was like dead, just a ghost. The other one had short dark hair; she was tres cool. I liked her. When she talked, it like made sense to me. *Why wasn't she in the movie?*

When I opened up the plastic wrapper thingy around the last one of the comic books I bought, this sparkly dust came out. I sneezed and kept reading. I turned the page the sparkles popped up again. I sneezed again. Then I heard a funny sound, like BAMF and this chic with blue skin, cat eyes and a pointed tail appeared in front of me, hovering on a carpet. "Oh gracious seeker, as is my destiny, I owe thee the granting of thy heart's desires thrice over to recompense thy honorable service to my liberty."

I was like "Huh?"

She said, "Rad! Like another mall rat! Finally! Like someone to talk to!"

I was like "Whoa! Say that again."

She's all "Dude! I'm a genie. You opened the book and let me out and now you get like three wishes."

"No way!"


"Three wishes? This is so cool! Ohmigosh! What on earth should I wish for?"

I don't know what to tell you, girlfriend, I'm not a regular at this; it is a one time thing for me that I got stuck with for ticking off my mom's friend who just happens to be a sorceress. Don't ever tick off a sorceress-"

"How long have you been in there?"

"What year is it?"

"2000." I said.

"Oh! I think I've been in there about a month then."

"A month? I thought genies were supposed to in there for like thousands of years or something."

"Normal genies maybe, but I told you it was like a one time shot for me. My mom and her friends have a weird sense of humor. I guess she didn't appreciate the KICK ME sign I embroidered on her cape, or the MY OTHER CAR IS A BROOM bumper sticker that I put on her Mercedes. She's a sorceress, not a witch, she always tells me. Like there's a difference."

"She made you a genie for that?"

"Well, that and the whoopee cushion on her chair in front of her organic spells class, the saran-wrap on the toilet, the personal ad I wrote for her, the flaming bag of dog poo on her porch right before a meeting of the sorcerer's high council and the fire ants and powdered sugar in her bed."

"Ants and powdered sugar? Ooh, that's a good one!"

"Yeah! Girlfriend you shoulda been there! She was howlin' and yelpin', screamin' and zappin' all them little ants. It was even funnier when she missed! She set half the castle on fire."

"I wish I coulda seen that!" I didn't even realize what I'd said.

"Your wish is like my command!" BAMF

All of a sudden I was in this huge old castle and I saw the genie doin' all the pranks she told me about. Then this tall red headed woman was there and she was fallin' for all of them. When she crawled into her already occupied bed I laughed so hard I rolled on the floor. When she finally calmed down there was another BAMF and I was back in my bed room.

"Whoa! Um, genie-girl? I don't know your name. Where'd you go?" BAMF-a big puff of smoke and glitter and she was back. "Was that like my first wish?"

"Yep, pretty cool huh?"

"Yeah, like, I wanna wish for a lotta money next. A whole lotta money, like billions."

She smiled. "All righty. Your wish is my command. BAMF. A check for 10 billion dollars and 77 cents appeared in her hand. BAMF. A pen appeared in her other hand and she made the check out to me.

"Who's it from? Cadella Darkholme? Who's that?" I asked. "Is that you?"

"No, that's the woman I pulled the pranks on. She's actually my mother's sister-in-law. The 77 cents is from me, for like, good luck. Well, now ya got one wish left. What's is gonna be?"

"Umm, can I have a minute?"

"Sure, but don't take too long. I think I can still catch the prank peddler before he leaves town. I need to get some more supplies. Cadella's gonna get it good for locking me up in that comic book. She'll never expect me to be out and free of her spell so soon. She thinks comic books are like out of style and no one reads 'em anymore. She may be a witch, or a sorceress, or whatever, but she's not God. She didn't even know there was an X-Men movie. Boy is she in for a surprise, especially when she sees the actress that played mom."

"Hmm. I think I know what I want." She looked at me and rubbed her blue hands together, all excited. "I wanna get married to Wolverine."

"Wolverine! Of the X-Men!" She sounded way surprised.

"Yeah." I waited for her to tease me.

"I know him."

"You- you know him?" That wasn't what I expected.

"Oh yeah, he's like friends with my brother. All I could think was WOW. "Are you ready?" She asked. "Once I grant your third wish the spell against me will be broken and I'll be gone, like, back to my old life."

I nodded. BAMF. There was a huge puff of glittery clouds and I was in a dark room with stone walls surrounded by a bunch of women all in green. *Whoa, like where am I and what is with the girl scouts?*

"We've found him. He waits for you." One of the green women said.

Then I realized she was talking to me. "Yeah, cool. Umm, where?"

The green sea parted and there stood the hottie with the hair and the claws. And he was shirtless. I just smiled. I was kinda frozen in place when he jumped at me. The next thing I knew I was on the floor and he had me by the throat with one hand, and claws extending from the other pointed at me. He was growling. *This was not my wish. He can save that for the honeymoon.* I burst out as best I could around my squished throat, "But you're supposed to marry me. That's my wish!" Surprisingly he stopped, like he knew what it meant. *Maybe the genie told him.* He put away the claws-I never saw where they went-and helped me up.

The cool dark haired girl spoke up, "Wolvie! She's been messin' with us. I mean look at them! She deserves whatever she gets. What's goin' on with her anyway?"

I looked down. I was in all green too. So was my hair. *Am I the leader of the girl scouts or what?*

He took my hand but he didn't seem happy about it. I squeezed his hand, but he ignored it. Then Wolverine spoke quietly but firmly. "Viper is my wife."

*Viper? That must be me, yup, I'm Viper, got a cool code name, married to Wolverine, hottie with the hair and the claws. This is gonna be sooo cool..*