Happy Families: Guilty Conscience

by Dyce

Not mine, not mine, yadda yadda yadda... Heeeeeere's Kitty!

It's not fair, diary.

It's not my fault this happened. How could I have known?

Don't get me wrong, I'm sorry for Jubilee, and if I could do something to help, I would. If I'd known, not only would I not have kept Logan here, I'd have shoved him out of the door myself. I feel bad that it was because of me that he wasn't there for her, but it wasn't deliberate.

Synch had no right to make that crack about 'happy families'.

What does he know about it, anyway? Ororo and Logan ARE my family, just as much as my birth parents are・ maybe more so. They're the ones who've been there for me when I needed help. They've supported me through everything, they've always been here for me・

・at Jubilee's expense.


I feel so guilty, diary. I break up with my boyfriend and come running home for sympathy and support, and I end up taking that support away from someone who really needs it. *I* asked Logan to stick around for a while. Oh, sure, I didn't know what had happened to Jubilee at Bastion's hands, but that's because I didn't ask. I didn't ask about ANYTHING. I just turned up and started spilling MY problems.


I sent her away.

I don't know why I did that. She had as much right to stay there with Logan as I did. She wanted to stay, but I told her to leave. I handed Lockheed to her and pushed her onto the plane, telling her that I should be the one to stay. I would be the one to stand by him on his wedding day.

I was jealous.

I couldn't stop him, and she could. SHE was the one who knew what to say. It was HER voice that reached him through his rage and reminded him of his humanity, while I just stood there, reeling from Phoenix's attack. I wanted to be the one to be there for him, so I pushed her away.

I can't believe I did that.

What right did I have? What kind of person am I to do that to her? I have a family. I have my parents, Ororo, Excalibur, and・ Pete. I had Pete then too. But that wasn't enough for me. Jubilee was closer to Logan than I was, and I was jealous.

I didn't realize that it was because he was all she had. All her family. The center of her world. And I took that away from her.

I didn't mean to, diary. I just reacted, I didn't think about how it would make her feel. I told myself that I was older, better trained, more useful to him・ and I was right. But it was her *right* to be there beside him. Just as it was mine.

Why do I keep hurting people like this? Why do I keep taking from them? I took Pete's heart, and left him nothing but pain. I took Jubilee's family and left her nothing but a life no longer worth living. And why did I do that?

Because I was afraid. Because I was insecure. Because I wanted to be 'safe'. So I ran away from Pete, who only wanted to love me, and I drove Jubilee away from Logan, so I could keep his love for myself.

I miss him so much・ I wake alone in the middle of the night and I can't believe what I did. Pete loved me, and I loved him. I still love him. And I drove him away. Because I was scared.

He didn't deserve that. How could I do that to him? He trusted me・ he let down every wall, every barrier for me・ he set aside everything he's suffered to try one more time to trust and be trusted, to love and be loved・ and I took his love and threw it back in his face.

I could blame the way I treated Pete on Nightmare's manipulations.

I could blame Viper for the way I treated Jubilee.

But I wouldn't believe myself.

The choices, the actions, were always, at the last, my own. Sure, Nightmare dragged up the weakest, most cowardly parts of me and brought them to the fore, but they were still parts of ME. Sure, Viper grabbed for me and corrupted me and twisted my mind, but it was still my mind. Still my jealousy. Still my selfish pride in being the first, the oldest・

・the favourite.

Jubilee, I'm sorry. If I ever see you again, I'll tell you so. I know you hate me now, and you have every right to hate me. I don't like myself very much right now either. But for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused. You were right. It was my fault.

I don't know where you are right now, and even if I did, I'm probably the last person you'd want to see. So I'll have to be content with writing my apologies here, and hoping that one day we'll both be mature enough to give and accept them.

Because you're right. It's time for both of us to grow up. For you, that means leaving the X-Men and Generation X to make your own way in the world, and for me・

・for me, it's time to go back and face the music.

I won't expect either you or Pete to forgive me for what I've done to you. Sorry won't fix it this time. But I owe it to you, and to him, and to myself, to accept responsibility for what I've done. I won't keep running away. This isn't going to be easy, but I have to start living up to what I claim to be. A woman. An X-Man. An *adult*.

Like you・ it's time for me to run toward.


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