Bitter Unrequited

by Jane Westin

Disclaimer: I don¡¦t own any of the characters, as usual.

Author¡¦s Note: Sorry this has taken so long! I took your suggestions and wrote a piece from Rogue¡¦s POV. And by the way, it¡¦s angsty. You have been warned. Hope you enjoy it!

He tries to speak to me, but I am silent.

He tries to touch me, but I flinch away.

Every inch of me screams for him, reaches for him, but I can¡¦t make my body uncurl. His pleading apologies are meaningless. He¡¦s attempting to soothe me, but succeeds only in sickening me.

His presence in the room is suffocating me. I can¡¦t breathe. My chest hurts. I can¡¦t breathe.

Get out, I cry silently. You¡¦re killing me. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.

He¡¦s moving away. My heart is coming apart at the seams.

I can¡¦t breathe.

I can¡¦t breathe.

Oh God, don¡¦t leave me! You promised you¡¦d never leave me!

My nails are digging into my palms. I can¡¦t breathe. I¡¦m dying.

¡¦You said you¡¦d protect me,¡¦ I whisper.

The door clicks.

LOGAN!

***

I don¡¦t know how long I¡¦ve been here. My muscles are screaming; I haven¡¦t moved in an eternity.

My throat is raw.

My hands hurt because they are clenched around my long hair and pulling. My head should hurt too, but it doesn¡¦t. It is numb from the pain.

So is my heart.

I unfold my legs and get up from the chair¡¦Jubilee¡¦s chair. Her shit is everywhere. The room reeks of Jubilee.

Hate flares up, sudden and crimson and violent. I knock over the chair with a sweep of my arm. I want to destroy every trace of Jubilee in the room. I want to wipe her out of my life.

Hate you, hate you, hate you, I chant in my head as I rip her posters off the wall. My vision goes blurry around the edges and now I¡¦m only seeing fragments of reality: a rainbow of techno CDs clattering across the dresser, a yellow teddy bear bouncing off the wall, Heath Ledger¡¦s toothpaste-commercial grin split in two. I hadn¡¦t even realized I was sobbing. Hate you, hate you, hate you.

My feet tangle in the ratty quilt I¡¦ve ripped off Jubilee¡¦s bed, and I sit down hard on the floor. Through a thick haze of tears, something silver catches my eye. I reach for it.

Logan¡¦s dog tag.

My muscles turn to water and everything goes black.

 ***

I am vaguely aware of someone talking, but I can¡¦t understand anything they¡¦re saying. I want to tell them to be quiet so I can go back to sleep. They¡¦re shaking my shoulder. They won¡¦t leave me alone.

I open my eyes. Everything¡¦s a blur. I make out a green shirt, red hair. It¡¦s a woman.

It¡¦s Jean.

¡¦Rogue,¡¦ she¡¦s saying. ¡¦Rogue.¡¦

Where am I?

¡¦You passed out,¡¦ I hear her say.

Did I say that out loud? My brain feels like it¡¦s turned to oatmeal. Why am I on the floor?

Then it all comes back to me, and I moan and close my eyes again.

¡¦Rogue, get up.¡¦ Doesn¡¦t she understand that I¡¦ll never be able to get up again?

She¡¦s got her hands under my arms. She¡¦s pulling me upright. I try to fight her, but my muscles feel like they¡¦re made of lead. How is she lifting me? She¡¦s not that strong.

Then I hear another voice. ¡¦Rogue, you must get up.¡¦ Ororo. What are they doing here?

¡¦Leave me alone,¡¦ I mumble.

But Ororo¡¦s putting one of my arms around her shoulders and Jean has the other one. They¡¦re walking me down the hall¡¦I notice that my feet are stumping clumsily along and am surprised. I thought feet weren¡¦t supposed to walk without the permission of the person to whom they¡¦re attached. 

Now they¡¦re taking me into a room. I recognize the precise d¡¦or. It¡¦s Ororo¡¦s room. Why are we going in here?

They¡¦re sitting me down on one of the twin beds. I lean forward and put my head in my hands. I feel a migraine coming on.

¡¦Rogue, what happened?¡¦ Ororo asks me.

I shake my head violently. No. No. Nothing happened. Everything is fine. Logan loves me and everything is fine.

¡¦I want to go to sleep,¡¦ I say.

Then I lie down on the bed and let the darkness take over.

***

I don¡¦t want to wake up.

I cling fervently to unconsciousness, but it slips through my grasp all too soon and I find myself opening my eyes. The lights are off. I¡¦m alone in Ororo¡¦s room.

I¡¦m clutching something in my hand. I pry my fingers open and realize it¡¦s Logan¡¦s dog tag.

Logan.

Pain knifes through my heart. Logan doesn¡¦t love me. Who was I kidding? He¡¦s loved Jubilee all along.

Suddenly I see Heath Ledger¡¦s fractured smile in my mind, and I remember with horror what I¡¦ve done. Shredded her posters. Ripped her bed apart. Scattered her belongings all over the room.

I lie on my back, staring up into the darkness, as tears spill silently down my cheeks and drip into my ears.

***

I don¡¦t know how long I lie like that, but it seems like hours before Ororo creeps into the room. I know she knows I¡¦m awake.

After a moment she sits down on the other bed. Her voice comes out of the darkness, quiet and calm.

¡¦Would you like to talk about it?¡¦

I am silent for a long time. She waits.

¡¦I wrecked the room.¡¦ I don¡¦t recognize my own voice. It¡¦s utterly toneless. Dead.

I wait for her to lecture me, to be angry with me, to hate me.

¡¦Jean and I straightened it up.¡¦ She doesn¡¦t sound the least bit fazed.

¡¦I wanted her to disappear.¡¦

Why isn¡¦t she angry? I ransacked all of Jubilee¡¦s belongings. I destroyed Heath Ledger, for God¡¦s sake.

¡¦It is understandable.¡¦ Still completely unruffled.

I begin to sob. ¡¦He loves her.¡¦

¡¦I believe so, yes.¡¦

Straight to the point, how very Ororo. She never beats around the bush.

Her acknowledgment breaks my heart. ¡¦He doesn¡¦t give a shit about me.¡¦

Now there is a hint of admonishment in her voice. ¡¦You know that is not true.¡¦

 ¡¦I told him I hated him.¡¦ The tears won¡¦t stop. ¡¦I told him I wanted her to die.¡¦

¡¦Why?¡¦

I begin to sob harder. ¡¦Because¡¦because¡¦¡¦ I choke. ¡¦Because I want him to love me.¡¦ I can¡¦t talk. I just cry.

I know why he fell in love with her. I suppose I¡¦ve known it all along¡¦ that¡¦s why it hurts so badly. To him, I¡¦m just the skinny kid in the big green cloak, the little sister, the adoring tagalong. To him, I will always be fragile little Marie, always in need of protection.

But she¡¦s not like that. She¡¦s not afraid of anything, has never needed a protector a day in her life. She¡¦s exactly what he would want¡¦fierce, fearless, and independent. She¡¦s his partner, his equal, and I want to hate her for it, because his equal is something I can never be.

But I can¡¦t hate her, because she is my friend.

My chest hitches. ¡¦I feel so stupid,¡¦ I whisper.

¡¦There is no reason to feel stupid,¡¦ Ororo says in her matter-of-fact way. ¡¦There is no shame in your emotions.¡¦

Strands of tear-soaked hair stick to my face. ¡¦I tried to make him jealous.¡¦

¡¦You went to Bobby.¡¦ I am not surprised that Ororo knows about Bobby and I. I am sure the whole mansion must know by now.

I nod, my cheek rubbing against the damp pillow. ¡¦It was a mistake. I¡¦She thought I didn¡¦t see her dancing with Logan, but I did, and I could have killed her for it.¡¦ I rub my eyes. I¡¦m so tired. ¡¦I thought I could make him see that I wasn¡¦t little any more. I thought if he saw me with Bobby he would realize that¡¦¡¦ A solitary sob escapes my lips. ¡¦That he wanted me and not her.¡¦ I slam my fist on the pillow, suddenly furious. ¡¦Why can¡¦t he look at me the way he looks at her, goddamn it?¡¦ The tears begin to fall again. Why can¡¦t he care about me?

Ororo¡¦s voice is soothing. ¡¦You are very important to him, Rogue. You know that.¡¦

I don¡¦t say anything.

¡¦He only wants the best for you.¡¦

I resent her for saying what I know is true: always the best for Marie, pretty little Marie with the deadly skin and brittle ego. Always the best, and with it, their pity.

No one pities Jubilee. She wouldn¡¦t stand for it.

I try to fight it, too, but they just pat me on the head and smile with sympathy for poor, poor Marie.

Jubilee commands their attention. Jubilee commands their respect.

I¡¦m just the object of their pity.

Jubilee has Logan.

I have no one.

¡¦I know,¡¦ I say, and the words taste bitter on my tongue.