The Xavier Mansion Diaries: Professor Charles Xavier

by Troll Princess

DAY ONE

Have gone to Washington with Jean, leaving Scott in charge of the students. Ha! Sucker. Cannot believe he fell for either one of those propositions. Would not be the least bit surprised if we returned to the mansion to find the man with his eyebrows shaved, his skin dyed red, and the mansion upside down.

As for Jean, have got her all to myself until tomorrow. Hmm. Wonder if she's ever heard that saying about bald men in big chairs --

OW!

FIVE MINUTES LATER

In my excitement, momentarily slipped my mind that Jean telepathic as well as telekinetic. Thankfully, Jean standing at podium adorned with heavy gavel which she was all too keen to fling across the room with her powers as a reminder.

Hey, there's Erik. Wonder if *he's* ever heard that saying about --

OW!

DAY TWO

Have downed my way through half a bottle of aspirin since yesterday, as Jean obviously rifling through the part of my brain that's the most hard up. Last time, was only given grumbled warning about her aversion to black leather corsets and her allergy to butterscotch before the pie hit my face. Suppose I asked for that one.

In other news, took a peek into Erik's head and found out he's sent minion on wild goose chase for mutant to use in nefarious plan. Knowing Erik, mysterious mutant either broody, sexy boy toy or reject from Cartoon Network rerun. Can only hope for the latter, as between Scott and John, have more than the mansion's quota of the former.

DAY THREE

Scott and Storm back from Canada with unconscious stranger and easily spooked teenager. Mansion now a disaster area, as teenage male mutants's idea of wooing a girl like Rogue apparently involves centrally localized armageddon.

Mansion not getting any cleaner, either, as besotted maid practically living in the med-lab. Have warned Jean to keep an eye out, as would not be all that surprised if maid caught giving Logan long, involved tongue bath.

Then again, as have yet to pass by anyone in the mansion who *hasn't* thought of giving Logan long, involved tongue bath, cannot really fault her any.

DAY FOUR

Gave male students stern talking-to in regards to attempts to woo Rogue, as at this rate, mansion should be smoking pile of cinders within the week.

However, am finding the irony of the situation amusing, since great sucking mutant vortex of painful death now has better chance at a sex life than I do.

DAY FIVE

V. good news, as Logan now awake and vertical. Hooray! Honestly, am only happy due to guilty pleasure of making rest of the mansion jealous during solo school tour.

Seriously, only reason.

I mean it.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

LATER

Hey, wonder if he's heard --

Uh-oh. Feral stranger now giving *himself* a tongue bath. Would tell him to stop, but sight strangely hypnotic. Also, anticipation of Jean's reaction to mental image too good to give up on.

DAY SIX

Major excitement last night, as Rogue drained away Logan's power and left him unconscious. Have decided not to reprimand her, since Logan probably requested it to get felt up by Jean again. Lousy git. Wonder if he'd like to spend the rest of the week thinking he's a Pomeranian.

Unfortunately, chaos erupting among students again, as rumors about Rogue sucking away Logan's power until he passed out being *grossly* misconstrued by male members of the student body. Competition for her hand (and certain other body parts) now reaching Olympic-calibur proportions. May have to put grandfather's urn into storage before Piotr decides to juggle *that*, as well.

Hmm. Wonder if Piotr's ever heard --

OW!

You know, she couldn't even *do* that a month ago.

DAY SEVEN

Rogue a runaway. Ororo and Jean repeatedly changing outfits as if it's a nervous condition. Scott and Logan verbally snipping at one another to hide the sexual tension.

As if we don't have enough problems, now have to worry about spontaneously generating interdimensional portals in dorm closets that erupt sandwich dressings. Am officially not surprised by *anything* anymore. Have sent Storm to investigate. Anything to get her to stop changing clothes.

*sigh* May fake coma to get much-needed vacation from this madhouse.

DAY EIGHT

Yay! Due to Erik's calculated machinations, am now lying comatose in the med-lab. So much for faking it.

Would probably be enjoying a much nicer vacation from it all if ditzy British maid had bothered to clean Senator Kelly goo off of the table. Or if anyone had bothered to put anything on me under this stupid blanket.

Eww. Senator goo squishing in uncomfortable places. Either that, or ...

You know, have decided I would rather not think too much on that.

DAY NINE

One thousand, seventy-five, one thousand, seventy-six ... officially one thousand and seventy-seven ceiling tiles in the med-lab.

Hmm. Wish someone had bothered to close my eyes, since ceiling tiles now becoming main source of entertainment.

DAY TEN

Finally awoke from coma to find Logan once again lying unconscious in the med-lab. Healing factor, my ass. The man spends more time unconscious than the coma patients on "Days of Our Lives". Can only believe it's a thinly veiled attempt to keep Jean's grubby little mitts all over him, as it was one of the main reasons I stayed out of it so long, too.

Also, Rogue apparently now after Jean as well, as made move to grab her rear at dinnertime. Thought it was extraordinarily funny until she started winking at me and asking me why Erik had Mystique so well trained in turning into me.

Have decided to ignore such comments, as they make me grow sentimental of old times, terribly jealous of Mystique, and embarrassingly horny.

DAY ELEVEN

Logan gone on grand adventure to find past. As he took Scott's bike with him, was forced to listen to Scott whine about it all afternoon. Tempted to ditch ethics regarding using my powers for an hour and make Scott think he was in love with Logan, but pretty sure whining would only intensify and Siryn would develop a complex at the sound of it.

DAY THIRTEEN

Argh! Am disgusted by Storm's on-off accent, so have decided to do something about it. Ethics regarding mutant abilities set aside for now, as ridding her of that annoying affectation can only be good for mankind.

DAY SIXTEEN

V.v. good news, as Storm's accent gone the way of the dinosaurs. As ridding her of accent more fun than anticipated, have spent entire day trying out new ones on her. So far, have decided that French too snooty, New York too harsh, and Southern likely to distract the male students into wearing baggier pants to class.

DAY TWENTY

Wonder if I could do something about that haircut of Storm's. Nasty thing looking more and more like cheap Halloween wig with every passing day.

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN

Have decided to go back to that no-powers rule, as haircutting experiment on Storm a disaster. Woman obviously left the mansion and went directly to the nearest hairstylist in 1978. Suppose I should be happy, since at least she didn't get a mohawk.

Hmm. Could kill for some of Erik's chocolate cheesecake right now.

No, seriously.

DAY THIRTY

V. good news, as Logan back from Alkali Lake. Unfortunately found nothing there, but still hoping that he cannot possibly have been stupid enough not to check belowground.

Am off with Scott to ask Erik about assassination attempt and chocolate cheesecake recipe, as cannot live without added knowledge of either any longer. Cannot say I'm anticipating the trip, as Scott's taste in music beyond atrocious. Man has strange unholy attachment to boy bands I cannot even begin to comprehend.

DAY THIRTY-ONE

Oh, just *perfect*. Have been kidnapped by evil soldiers and locked in dripping basement with catatonic former student. Round of pokeno out of the question, as mutant lunatic much more interested in playing hopscotch with my brain.

Huh. Illusions amazingly realistic. Cannot help but wonder if he takes requests, as have had ongoing fantasy about Jean, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and kiddie pool of Kool Whip I've been dying to take for a spin.

DAY THIRTY-TWO

Am officially pissed off, as brain has been used like popular Muppet by at least two mutants in last twenty-four hours. Certainly bad enough when crazed catatonic vegetable wandered around my head in drag as a very badly-dressed ten-year-old. Now Jean's got me giving drippy goodbyes to milksop boyfriend.

Have considered myself lucky, though, as I took over again before either one of them got any funny ideas about sloppy goodbye kisses. Have had quite enough mental damage for today, thank you very much. Am not even going to start on snarky maid rifling through my pockets for loose change while out of it.

However, did get big hug from teleporting Smurf. Go, me! Wonder if he's heard --

OW!

Oh, come on! She's not even in the bloody plane right now!

DAY THIRTY-THREE

Jean dead. Logan broody. Scott depressed and whiny. So basically, only difference between this week and last Jean's corpse at bottom of Alkali Lake.

You know, Scott's kind of cute when he's grieving. Wonder if he's ever heard --

Oh, I give up.

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Troll Princess Flavor of the Moment (http://flavor_of_the_moment.blogspot.com) -- Because sometimes, leaving your brain at home is a good thing. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillips