The Xavier Mansion Diaries: Bobby Drake

by Troll Princess


Author's note: I love movie!Bobby. Seriously. Even though considering how so many Bobby fanfics turn out, I simply *had* to do this to him. Because I'm evil and deserve to be destroyed. :) (I also love movie!Scott. You wouldn't know it, though, the way I treat him. If they'd stop feeding me ammo in every X-Men movie, I probably wouldn't be so hard on him.) Son of Author's Note: (On second thought, I would definitely still be this hard on Scott. 'Cause it's fun and burns more calories than jogging. I lose three pounds every time I make a snarky comment about the stick up his ass. Go on, you try it.)


DAY ONE

Ack! Professor and Jean off to Washington, and have taken everyone else's last tenuous grip on reality with them. Could have sworn Storm locked in linen closet full of tapioca, but may have been delusion induced by Pixie Stix overdose. Would have let her out, but loud, off-key rendition of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" obvious sign she's enjoying the situation.

In other news, Scott currently dancing through the first floor in his underwear in insane attempt to be just like Tom Cruise. Only watched him for a half hour before I got up the nerve to tell him to stop.

However, definitely not gay. (V.v. good!)

DAY TWO

Have discovered shampoo missing, and am positive that Jubilee behind it, as overheard her grumbling as she passed me in the hall about my "nancy-ass boy-band hair" and Lance Bass. Was going to ask her what she did with said shampoo, but sudden visual of Lance Bass in my head gave her long enough window of opportunity for escape.

Dreams don't count, right?

Right. See? *So* not gay.

DAY THREE

Scott and Storm back from overnight trip to Canada with jumpy girl and unconscious and shirtless muscle man. As everyone else currently down at locked med-lab door not able to get in and presumably licking the window, have decided to make attempt to befriend jumpy girl in kind welcoming gesture as well as to go through entirely different avenue to unconscious muscle man --

Hmm. Have reread last sentence, and definitely only meant first option. Definitely.

Still not gay, I swear.

LATER

Ugh! Underwear drawer filled to brim with pudding. At least, am pretty sure it's pudding.

As boxers currently doing backstroke in sea of tapioca (at least, am sort of sure it's tapioca), am stuck with going commando until next mall outing. Am tempted to inform Jubilee, as squicky mental image stuck in her head and ensuing gagfest in the girls's bathroom bound to be easiest revenge available.

DAY FOUR

Argh! Snarky maid starting to get on my nerves. Came back to my room after classes today to find my drawers glued shut, all of my clothes sewn into a giant ball and injected with a tasty spray cheese center, and my bed on the roof.

Stupid yowling Brit. Am positive she's making up that acccent as she goes along, anyway. Has to be the only reason any sane person in this house aside from me would own the entire series run of "Absolutely Fabulous."

"Black Adder." I meant "Black Adder."

What? What'd I say?

DAY FIVE

Took advantage of history class with new girl today to make highly romantic gesture with ice rose and invitation to be escort on personal school tour. Go, me!

LATER

V. bad end to the day, as missed opportunity to show Rogue around the school. Could not stop watching sloppily dressed med-lab muscle man give himself long, involved tongue bath in school hallway, as sight strangely hypnotic.

Not gay, though. Just have never seen anyone who could make their leg bend behind their head like that, is all.

DAY SIX

Hmm. Have no idea what John did to piss off the girls, but was stunned to find his entire collection of Playboys currently phased through the wall of the boys's dorm. Have no idea how Kitty and Jubes even found the freaking things, as whole box of them safely hidden under my bed.

Still not gay --

...

On second thought, definitely *my* Playboys stuck in wall. Am terribly, horribly upset. Oh, woe is ...

Oh, come on!

DAY SEVEN

Ack! Troublemaking doppleganger apparently wandering through the mansion making my life a living hell. Instead of doing all of my homework, cleaning my room, and going to all of my early-morning classes for me, stupid clone insists on scaring off perfectly good quasi-girlfriend. Can assure you, diary, that making moves like that definitely not going to help with that whole gay thing.

Can be grateful, however, that airtight alibi in my grasp, as was doused from head to toe in nasty sandwich dressing mess spewing out of closet in dorm room and spent the entire afternoon in the bathroom trying to make myself not smell so much like a week-old bacon double cheeseburger.

DAY EIGHT

As if week wasn't going bad enough, was approached by a depressed, blubbering Scott today while in the TV room. Had the nerve to sit next to me on the couch, put his head on my shoulder, and whimper out a request for me to serenade him with slow, sexy rendition of "Dirty Pop" to make him feel better.

Sorry, but no way in hell *anyone* is gay enough to do that.

DAY NINE

Have decided that Jubes could not possibly be anything other than clinically insane, as crazy twit suggested we lighten the mood around here by playing horrible, rotten prank on snarky maid. Would have said no, but am not buying that interdimensional portal bit for a minute and am frankly sick of everyone suddenly getting hungry for Arby's every time they come within ten feet of me.

DAY TEN

Ha! Have saved Jubilee and myself from certain grounding over pranks on maid by using keen deductive reasoning and intelligent use of logical arguments.

Okay, abject groveling and pitiful wailing, but is very fine line between both of them.

Also, Rogue back from being used in bad guy's nefarious plan with weird streak job on bangs and curiously sexy attitude adjustment. Not sure why, but find it extraordinarily difficult to resist her charms when she grabs my ass and calls me "bub."

DAY ELEVEN

Logan off on grand adventure to find his past. Took Scott's bike. And, if sound coming from Scott's bedroom is any indiction, also took his pride and joy, his baby, the love of his life, the only thing that keeps him truly happy, and any semblance of his manhood.

LATER

Have never heard a grown man sob like that. Has gone through five freaking boxes of Kleenex and it's only been an hour.

DAY TWENTY-NINE

Got to act like walking fire extinguisher today, as John once again setting fire to snotty pedestrians. Would probably be twice as pissed about whole sordid situation if Professor not paying me fifty bucks a week to keep John from setting any more priceless artifacts on fire.

However, as Professor said nothing about burning truant jerkoffs to a crisp, cannot possibly be held responsible for food court ass-clown roasting. Woohoo!

DAY THIRTY

Yay! Logan back from road trip with Scott's bike. Entire household now breathing huge collective sigh of relief, as Scott's repetitive whining making every dog in the neighborhood bark like crazy.

LATER

V. bad news, as soldiers now invading the mansion. Either that, or strange dream I had last week coming true. Only way to be sure is if Rupert Everett walks through the front door of the mnsion carrying a dozen roses with my name on them.

I mean it, though. Seriously not gay.

DAY THIRTY-ONE

Have offically come out of closet to family. Parents happy, friends out of their minds.

However, followed that by telling family I'm a mutant. Now, friends happy and parents out of their minds. Can obviously not satisfy *anyone* anymore.

Um, scratch that first part, as am not gay. At all. Really.

DAY THIRTY-TWO

Was ordered to stay on plane with Rogue and John while teachers, naked blue supermodel, and stupidly dressed Gandalf lookalike go fight bad guys. No complaints here, as may finally be able to use favorite line of dialogue from "Airplane" to get laid in time of crisis. Go, me!

LATER

Hmm. "Airplane" pick-up line unfortunately more inappropriate than I thought, as "It's so dangerous right now, and I've never been with a man before" only applies to John.

Can only be v. bad, as John stomped out of plane due to horrible timing of request.

I said I wasn't gay, right?

Right. Just checking.

DAY THIRTY-THREE

World saved. Jean fish food. John off to join villainous duo in obvious attempt to either wear much flashier costume or get away with going stark nekkid into battle. Would not be the least bit surprised by either option, but can assure you, diary, that I do not care, as I am absolutely, positively *not* gay.

John is. But I'm not.

LATER

Ack! Spotted Scott and Logan on way to Jubilee's room doused from head to toe in tapioca pudding. (I hope.)

Have no idea what they plan to do what they get there, but am now suffering from squirmy mental image of Scott and Jubes giving Logan long, involved tongue bath.

But still, not gay.

Seriously.

I mean it.

Oh, for crying out loud ...

Troll Princess

Flavor of the Moment (http://flavor_of_the_moment.blogspot.com) -- Because sometimes, leaving your brain at home is a good thing. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Buffy: (to a teenager she's counselling) "So, let me get this straight, your ex-boyfriend left you like all the other men in your life. He beat your father figure's girlfriend and he has the personality of a bread box? Hmm. He sounds nice." -- "Beneath Who?" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++