The Xavier Mansion Diaries: Ororo Munroe

by Troll Princess

DAY ONE

Professor and Jean off to Washington, but didn't get a chance to say goodbye, as have been stuck in linen closet for past ten minutes. However, have no doubt that someone will notice I'm gone and come looking for me in no time.

TWO HOURS LATER

Three bottles of beer on the wall, three bottles of --

*sniff, sniff*

Hmm. Why do I smell pudding?

LATER

V. bad news, as was nearly drowned in locked linen closet with pudding pumped in through upper crack in door. If there's possibly a more embarrassing way to die, honestly don't know what it could be.

On the other hand, may be eligible for notoriety of Darwin Award nomination. Near-death experience by light midday snack suddenly has an upside. Go, me!

Ugh. Reek of tapioca. In desperate need of hot shower and shampoo.

DAY TWO

Ack! Shower a total disaster! Someone apparently replaced expensive salon shampoo with Nair. Fancy new hairdo now lying on bathroom floor, which is extraordinarily disconcerting, as *I* am downstairs in the living room looking for a phone book.

Have to leave for Canada in ten minutes. So, am in desperate need of wig store within five minute's drive. Either that, or may be forced to raid Professor's amazingly extensive hat collection.

TEN MINUTES LATER

Woohoo! At least seven Party City stores stocked for Halloween on direct flight path from Westchester to Canada. First question about unscheduled pit stop or Carmen Miranda fruit hat out of Scott, and may finally get to see whether or not centrally located rain of toads within my abilities.

DAY THREE

Have returned from Canada with twitchy teenager and sexy lumberjack-type. Have done superhero team math, and with Professor as chaste mentor and Scott and Jean engaged, have apparently found myself a new source of barely repressed sexual tension. V. good news, indeed!

DAY FOUR

Have had to shoo half of the school's population away from unconscious quasi-boyfriend. Caught snooping maid lurking nearby in med-lab constantly licking her lips as she vacuumed. Cannot expect me to buy her lousy excuses, as med-lab not even carpeted, for crying out loud.

Also, now suspect Jubilee behind Nair shampoo job. Yammering minx had the gall to ask why I was wearing an albino skunk on my head. Jubilee now flunking history. Ha!

DAY FIVE

Yay! Unconscious prospective boyfriend now awake and ready to go with me to --

Hey. Hey, why's he staring at Jean like that?

LATER

V.v. bad news, as unconscious prospective boyfriend apparently has the hots for Jean. Life officially unfair, as Jean has perfectly acceptable boytoy in pansy fiance.

DAY SIX

Am getting extraordinarily frustrated, as either have to be Rogue or Jean in this joint to get any action.

Out of desperation, sat on Professor's lap between classes and offered to jump-start his spine the fun way. Unfortunately, Professor too busy staring at Piotr's rippling pectorals and mumbling something about bald men in big chairs to care v. much.

Oh, yeah. Life *definitely* unfair.

DAY SEVEN

Yay! Rogue spooked off by spare Bobby I didn't even know we had. On the downside, Professor insists Scott and I go find her. Have no idea why he's making *me* go, as Rogue's ability to attract men bound to suck Scott into the train station from the parking lot.

LATER

See?! Ten minutes in train station and Rogue attracted Logan, Magneto, Sabertooth, and Toad. For someone who doesn't like touch, she certainly seems to get a hell of a lot of it.

As if that weren't bad enoough, Professor had me start investigating strange condiment phenomenon in mansion's closets as soon as I got home. No wonder I never get laid.

DAY EIGHT

Eww! Forced to hold hand of gooey gelatinous senator beefore he went kerplooey all over the med-lab. Only upside the jerk's last-ditch effort to cop a feel before he exploded.

Now covered in sticky Senator Kelly bits. May *never* stop changing clothes.

DAY NINE

V. good news, as have helped save island full of politicians from Magneto's nefarious plan. However, not all that happy, as none of *them* bothered to try at last-minute grope on me.

Did get to kick some serious ass on Toad in statue's gift shop. Go, me! Was feeling really cool and tough right up until I delivered snarky final line. Could have sworn parting shot sounded so much funnier in my head.

Also, think wig glue loosened by fierce battle. May have to resort to Superglue if this keeps up.

DAY TEN

Logan off to Canada to search for clues to his past. Perfect timing, if you ask me, as constant bickering between he and Scott starting to sound like thinly veiled lover's quarrels. Almost glad he rode out of here on Scott's bike.

Hmm. Just reread last sentence and blanked out "bike" in my head. Squirmy mental image now stuck in my head and possibly may never leave.

Oh, yeah. *Definitely* perfect timing.

DAY THIRTEEN

Huh. Could have sworn I had an African accent. Well, okay, most of the time.

*Some*. Some of the time.

Oh, come on! Give me just a little credit here!

DAY TWENTY-FOUR

V. bad news, as was about to leave for hairdressers to get new wig when damn ratty thing got caught in ceiling fan and chopped to bits. Was going to race to the salon at record speeds, but hairstyle starting to grow on me.

Hey! Stop laughing!

DAY TWENTY-NINE

Off to New York City on school trip to museum. V. good indeed, as class trips always a guaranteed good time.

TEN MINUTES LATER

Okay, next person to ask me what it was like to co-star in "The Flintstones" gets struck by lightning.

DAY THIRTY

Have gone to Boston to get attempted Presidential assassin. Huh. Attempted Presidential assassin actually kind of cute. Granted, cuteness lies in uncanny resemblance to evil blue Popple, but *still*.

DAY THIRTY-ONE

Oh, *perfect*. Evil blue Popple hitting on me. Average type of man I attract now on level with carnies, "Jerry Springer" guests, and Smurfs.

LATER

V. good news, as was allowed to show off in plane chase with F-16s by setting up instant Tornado Alley. Am v. proud of myself, as twenty tornadoes in fifty-mile radius obviously safest route to help in escape. Good plan!

DAY THIRTY-TWO

Children saved. Soldiers dead. Dam breaking. Major competition for attentions of mansion's male population currently outside plane about to drown. Trying desperately to find a downside to any of this --

OW!

Oh, come on! Man-hogging martyr cannot possibly be allowed to get snippy during touching death scene, can she? Sheesh ...

DAY THIRTY-THREE

Overheard Scott and Logan having touching shoulder-to-cry-on scene outside Professor's office. Was going to offer myself up for comfort, as was lucky enough to be born with two shoulders, one for each grieving hottie.

Unfortunately, touching shoulder-to-cry-on scene in hall followed immediately by angst-ridden grope session between Scott and Logan in linen closet. Argh! Have had enough. Desperately need to change clothes. And get drunk.

And find enough tapioca to fill a linen closet.

***

Jennifer Flavor of the Moment (http://flavor_of_the_moment.blogspot.com) -- Because sometimes, leaving your brain at home is a good thing. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "If Edgar Allan Poe were alive today, his agent would be constantly slapping him upside the head with tightly rolled copies of his brilliant short stories and novelettes, yelling, 'Full-length novels, you moron! Pay attention! What's the matter with you -- are you shooting heroin or something? Write for the market! No more of this midlength 'Fall of the House of Usher' crap" -- Dean Koontz