The Iceman's New Clothes

by Mercutio

SUMMARY: Bobby, X-Men. When Bobby gets caught being a peeping tom, he finds the repercussions to be somewhat embarrassing. Response to Maria Cline's Naked challenge.

ARCHIVE: Please. As often as possible and wherever you like.

The uproar caught Scott's attention, dragging him out of the room in the mansion that he used. He could hear shouting, running feet, and the sound of small explosions. Possibly a breakfast food fight, except that it was too late for breakfast.

"What's going on?" he demanded of the first person he saw.

"Bobby's wandering around naked," Warren said, bemused.


"Bobby -- our Bobby, remember him? -- is walking around without any clothes on. Nude. Completely naked. As a jaybird."

"I got that part," Scott said, somewhat testily. "But why? And--" he shut his mouth as Bobby, carrying a sandwich, a can of Coca-Cola and as Warren had said -- sans any shred of clothing, and not iced up, either -- came into view, walking down the hall.

"Hi, Scott. Hi, Warren," Bobby said casually, seemingly unconscious of his nudity, as he disappeared through the door leading to the recreation room.

Scott stared after him, trying not to choke. "Bobby, get back here right this instant and put some clothes on!"

Bobby stuck his head back through the door, shaking it sadly. "Scott, Scott, Scott. You really have to cut down on the Metamucil. I'm *wearing* clothes. What did you think? That I'd be running around naked?"

Scott stared, unable to form a coherent reply, as the door shut for a second time.

Rogue ran into the hall from the kitchen. "You come back here, Bobby, right this instant!" She barreled straight into Scott, knocking him over. "Oh, uh, hi sugah. Didn't see you there. Can't talk now. Ah have something to take care of."

Warren added helpfully, "Bobby went into the rec room."

"Thanks." She levered herself off of Scott and ran off after Bobby, shaking her fist. "You can't get away from me, Drake! Ah'm gonna catch you, and when Ah do, you're gonna sit down and let Hank stick you! Or else!"

Scott glared up at Warren, as he picked himself up. "Do you know what's going on here?"

"It's a long story--"

Beast walked through the door, carrying a blanket, two candles, and large needle. He immediately came over to them. "Have you seen our hibernal ecdysiast?"


"Our wintery stripper?" Hank supplied helpfully. "Bobby?"

"He went that way." Warren pointed.

"Ah. Thank you very much." Hank followed the path the other pair had taken.

Scott turned back to Warren. "Explain. Now."

Warren grinned. "You see, this morning, there was a... *disagreement* over some of Bobby's viewing habits."

Scott nodded. Bobby's idea of enriching TV focused heavily on reruns of "Dukes of Hazzard" and anything with Jenna Elfman in it.

"So," Warren continued, "when Gambit caught him, instead of hitting him, he decided to give Bobby some wardrobe assistance."

Scott was even more confused after this 'explanation'. "I don't think it's right for X-Men to settle their differences over television with violence. Or by stealing other people's clothing..."

"No, you don't get it..."

Wolverine backed into the room, dragging an unwilling Gambit behind him. "Shut yer mouth, Cajun. Yer responsible for this, and yer going ta fix it."

Gambit grabbed onto the doorframe and held tightly. "Why you care, Wolverine? Don't you t'ink it's funny? Why you gotta do dis to Remy?"

"'Cause Jeannie doesn't think it's funny."

"It's funny!"

"Maybe. Maybe not. I don't care." Logan pried Gambit's fingers off of the door, and slung the younger man over his shoulder. "Yer going to put Bobby back the way he was, and that's all there is to it."

"Can't make me!" Gambit protested as he was hauled in the direction of the rec room.

"Watch me."

Scott shook Warren off, and headed for the rec room himself. "I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to find out."

As he moved for the door, it swung out, hitting him solidly in the face.

Bobby was right behind the door, colliding with Scott and sending the both of them to the floor, with Bobby sprawled over Scott. "Uh, sorry, Scott. Didn't see you."

"You and everyone else," Scott muttered, then put up his hands to push Bobby away so that he could stand up.

And encountered the bare flesh of Bobby's chest. Scott closed his eyes. *I will not scream. I will not scream. I can handle this with dignity.* His hands fell back. "Bobby, would you please get off me?"

"Sure, sure."

Bobby got up, revealing the other four X-Men standing behind him. Gambit was doubled over in hysterical laughter. "Oh, homme. Remy wish he had a camera."

Logan was grinning widely also, but he extended a hand to Scott to help him up. "You gotta watch yourself, Scotty."

Scott stood, glaring at everyone. "That... is... enough," he said, biting off his words. "I've nearly been trampled twice, and," he pointed at Bobby, "this is *not* funny. Hank, please--"

Hank draped the blanket around Bobby's shoulders.

"What the heck?" Bobby demanded. "I *told* you! I'm not cold! I don't get cold. I don't need a blanket."

Scott held up his hand. "Shut up. You'll wear that blanket, and that's final. Now, what is going on here?"

"I was *trying* to have a quiet little snack," Bobby said with injured dignity, "when Rogue tackled me in the kitchen."

Gambit shot a glance at Rogue. "You touched him? When he was like dis?"

"Ah had my gloves on. Hank asked me to help catch him, and it was the only way Ah could think of to get him to hold still."

"Remy knew he should've killed him."

Scott glared at them. "And at what point did you think it was all right to come downstairs without any clothes on?"

Bobby threw the blanket back. "Okay. That's it. What is it with you people? I'm dressed. See?" His hands went to his chest, plucking at a nonexistent shirt. "See? I've got my Vanilla Ice T-shirt, and..." his hands went down to his naked hips, framing a very prominent area of his body.

Scott turned purple. "Blanket. Now."

Hank firmly wrapped it back around Bobby. "Bobby, as I have been attempting to inform you, you have no clothes on."

"Sure I do."

"Empirical evidence suggests that you are wrong."

"Hank!" Bobby looked betrayed. "You aren't on their side, are you?"

Beast shrugged. "Under the circumstances -- well, yes, Bobby, I am."

Bobby stuck his lip out. "Now I suppose you're going to tell me that I'm really standing here completely naked, and that I'm delusional or something."

Rogue and Wolverine turned to Gambit. Rogue spoke first. "Why don't you tell them, sugah?"

Gambit pulled himself out of Logan's grasp. "He deserves it."

"Yeah. But do we?" Wolverine asked.

"De man's got a nice butt!"

A small silence fell, as everyone, including Bobby, stared at Gambit.

"Ahem," Scott interrupted. "If we could get back on track? I take it you have something to do with Bobby walking around without his clothes?"

"It's his own fault."

"Just tell me," Scott said, feeling his last bit of patience dissolving.

"He was snooping on Rogue dis morning. Remy caught him watching her taking a shower."

"What?" Rogue, previously defensive of Bobby, turned on him. "How could you?"

"Through the window," he admitted sheepishly. "Sometimes you forget to pull the shade down."

"Robert," Hank said reproachfully. "I thought we were friends. Why didn't you tell me she'd left the shade up?"

Rogue turned on Hank, who held his paws in the air. "A joke, my dear. Only a joke."

"It'd better be," she threatened. "Or Ah'll skin you and use your hide as a rug."

"Blue is not really your color," Hank temporized.

"It will be."

Now that his crime had been brought to light, Gambit seemed eager to confess his cleverness. "Remy could've taught de boy a lesson, but he decided it might be better for Bobby t'find out what it like for everyone t'see you naked when you don't want dem to."

Bobby's eyes grew round. "This morning! You were talking to me about what I should wear! You convinced me that the outfit I had on wasn't very stylish, and I said that if that one wasn't cool, you should wait to see what I could find next."

"Sure you did, homme. But you only t'ought you were putting more clothes on."

Cautiously Bobby opened the blanket so that he could look inside, peeked, then wrapped it more tightly around himself. "I'm not wearing anything!"

"Non, you not," Gambit said, grinning.

"You, you scheming, *charming* son-of-a..."

Scott shook his head, relieved to have this all sorted out at last. "Okay, can we get things back to normal now? Bobby, put some clothes on, and stop spying on Rogue. Rogue, get some glazed glass put in that window. And Remy..." Scott shook his head again. "Never mind."

He turned to go back to his office.

Behind him, he heard Bobby ask, "Remy? Why were you looking at my butt?"

Scott shut the door quietly behind him and started looking for the Advil.

-the end-

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