Dispensing The Shopping

by Dyce

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not one single named thing belongs to me. Well, except for the ones I made up. <g> I'll let you figure out which ones are which for yourself. This is another, rather sillier attempt at Em's Challenge, and I actually made it this time… 346 words. <g> Enjoy!
Note: This is the expanded version, which contains all the jokes I cut out to get it down to 350 words. This one is about twice as long.


"Thanks, Scott, I always thought it was."

"<sigh> Pert shampoo? Whose is it?"


"Thank you, Rogue. Uhm… the Giant Extra-Economy Super-Saver box of Twinkies?"

"That, fearless leader, belongs to me. Kindly remove your squalid extremities, Robert."

"Can't I just have one or two?"

"No, you can't. They're mine."

"Two words, Hank. Share nicely. Whose are these?!"

"Are dey glow in the dark and cherry flavoured?"

"That's just disgusting, Remy. Here. Storm, is this plant yours?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"Really? It looks a bit strange… the leaves are sort of pointed."

"It's…uhm… a geranium."

"Oh. Very well, then. Marrow, I sincerely hope this isn't yours."

"<grab> So what if it is?"

"Marrow, I've lived with Bobby for years. I know *all* the potential uses for green dye. And smoke bombs. And itching powder-"

"Uh… that's mine, Scott."

"If any of it comes anywhere near me, I'll make both of you scrub out every toilet in the mansion with your own toothbrushes."


"Glad we're all clear on that. Who wanted the nail-polish remover?"

"That would be me, fearless leader."


"Something you wanna share with us, fur-boy?"

"If you must know, I use it to clean my golf balls. It makes them nice and shiny in no time."

"I didn't know you played golf, Hank."

"I'm a doctor. It's compulsory."

"Just out of curiosity, why do you need to clean them? How dirty can they get on all that grass?"

"Well… on the rare occasions that I actually get them ON the grass, they stay quite clean…"

"I… see. Logan? I take it the eleven sixpacks are yours?"

"Only eleven? Where's th' other one?! Who took my beer!?!?!"

"I don't know and I don't care. Whose are the fluffy ducky slippers?"

"Me again."


"They're fer Jubilee. Wanna make something of it?"

"Not me. Kitty? These disks yours?"

"What are they?"

"Myst, the Kilrathi Saga, three very technical looking ones, and … uhm… I don't think this one's yours. Bobby, remind me to have a serious talk with you about this."

"Playbunnies In Action is very educational!"

"So is getting yourself pulped in the Danger Room."

"…gotcha, fearless leader."

"Good. Whose is the pink-and-white bag that I'm not going to open because I know it's going to be embarrassing?"


"…Logan, I know Bobby took your beer, but out of sheer morbid curiosity I'd like to know what he's doing with a bagful of lingerie. Please put him down."

"<choke, gasp> It's not mine! It's a present!"

"For who?"

"Uhm… nobody you know."

"Is this a FEMALE nobody?"

"SCOTT!! This is none of your BUSINESS!"

"True. Just being nosey. Okay, I remember how this goes… the little pink box is for Rogue, the white one with the tree is Storm's, Jean has a blue one with white daisies and… who gets the tiger print? Oh, Kitty, of course."

"Ah'm impressed, Scott. You're actually touchin' a pack of tampons without cringin'."

"This is nothing. I can even BUY them. Without blushing, even."

"You're just not a real man anymore, Scott."

"Shut up, Bobby."

"Thank you, Rogue. And here are your new bodice-rippers."

"Scott, don't wave those around all ovah! <grab!>"

"…bodice rippers, Scott?"

"You know, Professor, those romance novels with the picture of a woman with a ripped bodice on the front?"

"…You BOUGHT those? Yerself?"

"And I got some very peculiar looks, too. Good thing I'm incredibly stoic and that sort of thing doesn't bother me. Buying something for a woman isn't something to be embarrassed over, even if it IS one of those things."

"NOW I know why Jean married him."

"I'll take that as a compliment, Remy. Here are yours, Professor. Oh, and there was only one copy of 'Wild Passions Unleashed', so could you give it to Rogue when you're done?"

"You do realize that all my students have now lost what little respect they still had for me, don't you, Scott?"

"Yessir. I'll take myself to the Danger Room and beat myself up as soon as I'm done here."

"…I don't think I like that grin, young man. You've been watching Alice in Wonderland again, haven't you?"

"The Cheshire Cat is god, sir."

"Professor, Scott's scaring me."

"If you don't like it, you do the shopping next time. With Bobby. And a cart with one wobbly wheel."

"…Grin away, Scott."

"Thank you. Okay, that's it… oops, almost forgot. Logan?"


"You nearly forgot your Sparkle Kids toothpaste."