This is a follow-up *of sorts* to Briny Deep, a sillyfic I did a while back. This is a SILLY FIC, and should be regarded as such, i.e., this is not polished, not my best work, and not intended to be taken seriously.
This story is dedicated to the Dayspring Archive and Alicia's sense of symmetry. Thanks to Matt and Dex for the eupemisms.There's a bit of crude humor and language involved, so this is rated PG-13.
Feedback is gratefully received at [email protected]
"You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. . ."
An attractive young woman cabbage-patched as she belted out an annoyingly off key tune, bouncing her blonde head back and forth with abandon, taking no notice of the irate looks she was garnering from the wary adults hastily herding curious children way from her.
In fact, the effect was so obvious that the woman and her companion were alone amid the hustle and the bustle of a busy summer Saturday in the San Fransico Zoo as zoogoers subconsciously responded to long repressed ancestral memories and instinctively gave the two a wide berth, conveniently leaving the public not a part of this story.
The companion in question leaned against the weatherworn railing above an exhibit housing a pride of sleek lions and sighed heavily. A baseball cap and a pair of large sunglasses hid most of his face, but he still stared down at the ground as if to hide from the crowd just the same. Glaring at the woman, he muttered through clenched teeth "Will you just shut up, please? I can NOT believe I am here with you. What if somebody sees me?"
The woman made an outrageous face and threw a handful of peanuts at the lions in the pen beneath them. She smoothed her short skirt and tossed her head again, fixing him with a brilliant smile. "Don't fret, little camper. I've got my image inducer turned all the way up to full blown superhottie- trust me, you're getting mondo cool points for being seen in public with me right now."
Nathan Dayspring, the man known as Cable, dropped his head even further, slouching so as to be as unobtrusive as possible. "Perfect, Wilson. Just perfect."
The blonde pursed her lips in pouty denial. "Hardly," Wade Wilson, blonde-in-disguise, waved a holographically concealed hand at the animals below them. "The Reptile Room is much better than this. All they have here are big ol' fuzzy kitties."
He leaned over the railing, folding himself over it so that bright red high heels waved in the air and only the precarious grip of gravity kept him from falling into the waiting den below. The yellow skirt doubled over, and Nathan caught a glimpse of image-induced red underwear before he quickly looked away, groaning under his breath.
Deadpool waved down at the lions, who were regarding the strange human with curious stares. Another peanut hit the lionness squarely between the eyes, and she batted at it with one huge paw. Wilson just smiled. "You're just big ol' kitties, aren't you? Aren't you, cutesy-wootesy little kitty-cats?"
Nathan stuck his hands in his pockets and wished fervently that the earth would swallow him whole. Glaring at the 'woman', he muttered, "Madelyne told me you had something important to tell me. I've finally accepted the fact that the two of you are seeing each other, but don't ask me to like it."
Still upside down, Wilson shrugged, but there was a touch of discomfiture in the guesture. "As long as Maddy's happy, I could care less whether you like it or not."
Cable grunted. "Fine. Now about today-- I know damn well if it were up to you we could go the rest of our lives without ever speaking again, so I know whatever this big secret is, you're not happy about this, either. What on earth could have possessed you to agree to this crazy hairbrained idea of hers?"
Deadpool flipped back with a fluid agility that belied his image-induced vacuous expression, and innocent blue eyes blinked up at him sweetly. "One word, buddy-boy. S-E-X." Cable looked at him blankly, and before he could object Deadpool pressed on gleefully. "You know, doin' the nasty. Bumping uglies. Doin' the horizontal spastic, probin' with the li'l alien, gettin' one's freak on, making a salami donation to the Clam Foundation...."
Midway through the recitation, Cable grabbed his ears with gloved hands and began rocking back and forth, mumbling a litany that sounded suspiciously like "Happy place, happy place, happy place. . ."
Deadpool grinned, utterly delighted at the effect. He continued in a sing-song voice "The Hunka-Chunka, Beef Banging, Drawing the meat curtain, Takin' the purple-headed warrior to tunatown. . . You know, I could go on like this for hours. . ."
Cable lowered his hands and muttered in a strangled voice, "Shut. . .your. . .pie. .. hole, Wilson, and get to the point before I forget that we've declared a truce today and gut you like a fish."
Deadpool hmmpfed, but his perfectly made up eyes danced with glee. "Hey, you asked. Call it what you will, but I don't get any more of it until I make nice with you, so makin' nice with you is what I do."
Nathan winced and grabbed his ears with both hands. Just please, please, say whatever it is you need to say and let me get the flonq out of here."
With a disappointed sigh, Deadpool stuck out his tongue and tossed another peanut in the cage. The peanut bounced off the head of a bored lioness, who tilted her head and studied it curiously before turning to nuzzle the cub beside her.
Strangely enough, the image gave Wilson pause. He dropped the handful of peanuts he'd been about to flick at the lions and a smile that could only be called goofy split his face, utterly wiping away the gleeful mockery that had been there only a moment before. A moment of silence descended between the two. . . men, and strangely enough, it was Deadpool who looked most ill at ease.
Cable stuck his hands in his pockets and glared, a dangerous look still on his face. "Well? Out with it, Wilson, before one or the other of us snaps and leaves a messy stain for the janitorial staff to clean up."
Deadpool drew in a deep breath and leaned his forearms on the railing. He sighed nervously, and with uncharacteristic sobriety murmured, "Um. . .well, it's not quite that easy, y'see? I can't just blurt something like this out."
Cable's spine stiffened, and instincts of self-preservation that had saved his life in a thousand battles began to buzz loudly with alarm. "What?" He growled, in a mutter that would have made any stock baritone-voiced tough guy proud. "Spit it out, Wilson, what's wrong?"
"Ah, I wouldn't say *wrong*, necessarily," Deadpool hedged, sparing the lions another smile before turning away to cross his arms over his ample bosom and press his back against the post, facing the other man. It did not escape Cable's attention that Deadpool had left himself several clear avenues of escape.
"Wilson. . ." Cable gritted his teeth, and underneath the shadow of the ball cap his eye flashed bright gold, pulsing in rhythm with his rapidly pounding heart. "Out with it, or I'm gone. Period."
Wade managed a weak smile. "Um. . well, your mother asked me to do this, because she knows that you and I haven't exactly gotten along in the past, and-"
"*That's* the understatement of the year," Nathan muttered. "This is stupid. "You and I can barely tolerate each other when the fate of the world's at stake. I don't know why the flonq she thinks you and I have anything to say to each other." He glared at Deadpool for a moment, then threw his hands in the air before turning on his heel to go. "Ah, flonq it. I don't have the time for this."
Deadpool stuck out a slender bangled forearm to block his passage a bit more forcefully than necessary. The disguised tone hardened. "You're from the bleedin' FUTURE, Natey. You've got more time than Morris Day. Try another excuse."
Cable was silent a moment, then grunted. "Fine. I'm listening. Get on with it."
Wade shifted uneasily, refusing to meet the taller man's eyes. "Well. Um. . .ok. Your branchless family tree aside, Madelyne *is* your mother, and since we've decided that we want to. . ." He swallowed past the lump in his throat and blurted out words in a quick stream "kindasortagetmarried, she wants you and I to be friends." He ducked his head and smiled tentatively. "So howsabout it, old buddy, old pal? Care to bury the hatchet?"
Nathan Summers' world narrowed to razor sharp focus and he reached out a gloved hand to grasp the railing tightly, staggering as if hit on the head by an extended family of anvils. "Uh . . uh. . . uh. . ."
Wade was at his side in an instant, slapping him on the back. "Go on, get it out, man. . . You'll feel better when you do."
"YOU'RE MARRYING MY MOTHER?" Cable roared, swinging an expert punch at Deadpool, burying his fist in Deadpool's unsuspecting stomach. "THE HELL YOU SAY! I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!"
Deadpool staggered as the blow jolted him against the railing, impacting with a loud crunch. The form of the blonde woman he'd been flickered and faded as the damaged image inducer stopped working. Now appearing in his usual head to toe red costume, Deadpool stood before Cable in all his glory, whirling out of reach of another punch, grappling the larger man behind his back as he did so.
"Don't worry, son, I don't mind if you call me Daddy," Deadpool taunted gleefully, enjoying the situation despite the sure knowledge that Madelyne was going to do terrible things to him when he got home. "I'll even play catch and take you to a baseball game if you get your homework done in time."
"Flonq that!" Cable snarled, flipping him through the air with a twist of telekinesis. His brain refused to process the information, instead reverting to more familiar ways of dealing with stress- i.e., mindless testosterone-soaked battles. "I'd sooner see you dead!"
Deadpool landed flat on his back several yards away. When he looked up at an enraged Cable looming over him, he tilted his head sideways, a curious expression on his masked face. "Hey, waitaminit. . . You said 'fuck'!"
"I did not!" Cable growled as Deadpool scrambled to his feet and the two men began to circle each other warily. "I said 'flonq', just like I'm supposed to. Quit trying to distract me!"
"Yes, you did," Deadpool corrected, "I said I was marrying your mother, and you said, and I quote," he deepened his voice in a fair approximation of Cable's angry bellow. "THE HELL YOU SAY! I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!"
Cable stopped where he stood, pausing the fight. "You're right," he acknowledged, and in a dazed voice breathed "I did say that, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did!" Deadpool shook his head back and forth, tsking loudly. Arms crossed over his chest, he lectured "You know better than that! You're supposed to use the clever comics-code approved I'm-from-the-future-so- nobody-knows-what-this-means alternative 'Flonq', instead! Shame on you! I don't want to hear you using that kind of language in front of your little brother or sister, young man!"
"Sorry. I forgot," Cable muttered, abashed. Fight forgotten, he winced, "I know I'm supposed to use that Askani jargon, it's just so hokey, and I get so upset. . ."
Wade stuck his bola back in a pouch and walked over to Cable. With a sympathetic nod, he patted him on the hand. "It's ok, bud, don't worry about it. We all slip up sometimes- hell, that tunatown reference up probably went a bit too far. Just don't let it happen again- this is a PG-13 rated fic, y'know."
Cable smiled gratefully. "Thanks for understanding." He shook his head morosely, a familiar cloud covering his expression. "I know you're right, but do you have any idea how hard it is to get taken seriously with curses like 'Oath' and 'Pipe' and 'Flonq' all the time? Everybody *else* gets to curse normally. It's just not fair, dammit, I want to yadda yadda yadda Askani words words words Apocalypse blah blah blah destiny . . ."
Deadpool sighed as his conscious mind tuned out the words. 'Oh, geez. Another Summers rant. . .Maddy warned me about this. . .' Clearing his throat, he interrupted "Um, Nate, not to stop you or anything, but we've got a timetable to keep up with, here. . ."
Nate stopped midstream, face coloring slightly. "Oh. Sorry. You're right. Where were we?"
Deadpool backed away quickly, palms raised outright. "You were about to beat the shit out of me for knocking your mom up and marrying her, and I was gonna let you for Maddy's sake, because that's just the sort of guy I am."
Cable sighed heavily, still not quite over the bout of angst. "Oh, yeah, right." He moved into a tired fighting stance. "Let's get this over with, then."
Before he could take another swing, however, he tilted his head as the unbelievable truth took a crowbar and pried itself into his unwilling psyche, forcing him to hear what his conscious mind had refused to let in upon first hearing it. With eyes wide as saucers, he asked mildly "Um, Wilson?"
Deadpool recognized the dazed tone and gritted his teeth. 'Here it comes.' Aloud, he answered, "Yes, Nate?"
"Did you just say I had to watch my language in front of my little brother or little sister?" Cable watched him carefully, certain he had been mistaken.
Deadpool nodded warily, sensing the impending explosion. "Why, yes, yes, I did."
Cable paused, then his face split in a large smile. The man was crazy. That was it, Deadpool had finally lost what modicum of sanity he'd still possessed, and was rambling like a loon. There was nothing to be worried about. This was *Deadpool*, after all, a man not renown for his grip on reality. In a smug tone, Cable responded happily, "You're an idiot. I don't *have* a little brother or sister."
Deadpool inclined his head in acknowledgement, but couldn't stop the smile on his face from showing through. "True enough. You don't- not yet, anyway. Maddy's still in her first trimester."
The truth took out a mallet and pounded the crowbar harder, levering a gap into Nate's head as the words slipped in with a time-delay, bringing a red dawn of recognition with them. Cable swallowed, and had to bend to clutch his knees lest he fall to the ground. Somehow, he managed to croak "Um, Wilson?"
"Yes, Nate?" Deadpool backed ever so slightly away, his joy not so great that it overrode his better judgment.
Nathan's voice was shaky and small as the truth gleefully nyah-nyahed at him, thumbing its nose at his perception of universal constants. "Did you just say Madelyne's pregnant?"
Deadpool drew in a deep breath and bit the bullet, confident that he would at least die in style. "I think I said 'knocked up', but yeah, same difference. Bun in the oven, rabbit's died, eatin' for two, showing some tummy. . ." Realizing Cable wasn't listening, he concluded sheepishly. "I guess I. . .um. . . *forgot* to mention that it's gonna be a bit of a shotgun wedding."
There was a very long, long, long pause, long enough for Warren Ellis to kill a busload of beloved characters just so no one else could play with them.
"My mother's pregant?" Cable asked quietly, voice low and distant.
Deadpool smiled brightly, unable to hide his utter happiness. "Yes indeedely-doodely! She is, and we're both about as happy as can be about it."
"Pregnant? With your child?" Cable repeated slowly, sounding out each syllable.
"That's what I said, Short Bus," Deadpool snapped, misinterpreting disbelief for disdain. "And I don't want you to give Maddy any shit about it. She needs all the rest and support she can get right now, and I'll take you behind the woodshed if I hear about you upsetting her about this. She's been through enough by you people."
"My mother's pregnant. Just making sure," Cable managed to nod, then promptly fainted, his head hitting the asphalt with a loud thud.
After a long moment, after reassuring himself that it wasn't an elaborate trap, Deadpool stood over the unconscious body, tapping it lightly with his boot. There was no response. "Kids," he sighed. "Oh, well, we'll talk more about it later."
He stared at the comatose Cable for a moment longer, laughing inside at the whims of fate. "Nateyboy, do you have ANY idea how long I've wanted to get you in this position? And me without my travelling makeup case. . ."
He regarded the man a moment longer, and then nodded. 'Ah, what the hell, I'll compromise,' he decided. 'For the sake of family unity.' Grinning to himself, he whipped a cylinder out of a belt pouch and scribbled hastily before sliding a beacon in Nathan's pocket and activating the device. Nate's massive figure crackled and glittered, and then blinked inside out as his prone body was teleported him back to Westchester.
Humming happily to himself, Deadpool turned on his heel and waved goodbye to the animals as he headed towards the exit. The afternoon was fading, and didn't want to be too late getting home. It was his turn to fix dinner, and Maddy's tastes were mighty peculiar these days.
What the hell WAS falafel, anyway? Sounded like one of the Task-Master's old cronies. . .
With that thought in mind, a bright awning caught his eye and he paused outside of the window of the Zoo Gift Shop. Right there in the middle of the display was a little stuffed lion that would be perfect for the baby.
He opened the door and walked into the store, a broad smile on his face as he envisioned Maddy's expression when he brought the toy home to her.
Oh, yeah. He'd get lots of sweet lovin' tonight.
Later that evening:
"You have siblings, right?"
"Tons of 'em, sir. You've met most of them. Why do you ask?"
". . . no reason. Nevermind. Forget I asked."
"All right, sir. Um, Cable?"
"Why have you got a Snidely Whiplash moustache drawn on your upper lip?"
". . .I do?"
*sigh* "I'm gonna kill him."
"Don't ask, Sam. Please, just don't ask."